To Whom It May Concern

Dear Writers,

Now we know as fans over the years, you love to write about us. That’s okay. We love that we inspire you to be creative too! It’s flattering really, even though we’re forced to live out each and every one of those ideas. We’re not sure how you got your power, but you have it. It’s 2010, we’re all adults (okay, maybe not Nick…), and so we can work this out.

So we’d like to lay down a few rules to make these escapades as painless as possible:

Rule #1 – Please stop making us gay. We don’t love each other! Well, we do…but not like that…well…maybe Howie…
Rule #2 – Stop trying to kill us! We thought you loved us! This includes, but isn’t limited to: bus crashes, terminal illnesses, psychotic fans, psychos in general, us killing each other, zombies, aliens trying to melt our brains…you get the picture!
Rule #3 – No more opening act fics, one of these days we’re going to catch a STD, making you break Rule #2 as well. We’re not gonna all sleep with the next wannabe Spice Girls.
Rule #4 – Nick isn’t dumb, he has a brain. We checked, he got it from the Wizard
Rule #5 – Brian isn’t always the nice one, there’s a reason Nick calls him a pitbull
Rule #6 – Howie does more than just wink, and he’d like to be remembered once in awhile.
Rule #7 – AJ doesn’t have any illegitimate- oh who are we kidding, yes he does…we think he has one in every country.
Rule #8 – Brian isn’t that super perfect religious man either. Hell don’t y’all know about the S&M sex ring he has going on in his basement?
Rule #9 – It…doesn’t….take….a…full….decade…for…Kevin…to…finish…a sentence…. It only takes two years, four months and sixteen days, yes we counted.
Rule #10 – If we don’t get to be perfect, neither do you. So long Mary Sue.
Rule #11 – Not really a rule, but we hate camping and cabins now thanks to you guys. So thanks.

Follow these simple rules and we’ll get along just fine.

Love,

The Boys

“Kevin have you finished up that letter yet?” Nick asked as he finished his mathematical theory that was sure to change the everything as soon as it was introduced into the world.

“Just finished. Do you know who’s writing us next? I want to make sure we can prepare.”

“I do too.” Brian replied. He walked down the hallway of Kevin’s home, shirtless and wearing a pair of assless chaps. He fingered a whip in his hand. “I want to know if I can get another round before we’re stuck in another fanfic for the next few years.”

“Where’s AJ?”

“Trying to get his kids to sleep. Hey Kevy, I know who’s got us next!”

“Who?”

“Julie.” AJ answered as he stepped out of his room, a set of five-year-old quintuplets following behind him.

“Where did Nick go?”

Kevin looked around for their youngest member, but saw nothing random body parts lying upon the floor in a pool of blood where Nick once stood. Nick’s now decapitated head was fixed in a twisted smile, as the sound of female laughter resounded in the distance.

Brian groaned. “We’re doomed.”

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