I had been channel surfing on the couch with Sebastian. I was relaxed. Leaning against him. He always did make a good pillow. And I grinned up at him as I tried to find us a good show or movie to watch. Honestly I was hoping to catch Blade on TV. We could go rent it but that would mean getting up and going out. Neither of us wanted that. So we channel surfed. Okay I channel surfed. I’m a remote hog. Yep. One of my MANY flaws. And that’s one of the smaller ones. Then I froze as I went past the celebrity channel and heard my name. Then I saw Nick. Then Me. And then my world, what little I had, collapsed. There I was, with Nick. On my parents’ forty inch TV screen, in all my frumpy plumpy glory. Oh. My…EVER FREAKING LORDIE!
My life is not normal. It’s gone beyond normal. Far into the abnormality I wanted to run from. I think I’m going to hurl. I stood, very ready too till I felt two strong arms wrap around me. I looked back, my gaze hazy as I felt my face get slightly damp. My mind is chaos. Me. On TV. With Nick. Getting mocked. I am who I thought I was. I just… now everyone in the world would know it. I pulled away. I wanted to hurl. I needed to hurl. Hell it might help my frumpy big butt lose some weight.
I stared up at Sebastian who was holding me up. The vision gets blurrier with each second. Great. I hate crying. Hate it. And it just kept on coming. I turned away from Sebastian then, who just hugged me close, and asked softly.
“Something you forgot to tell me?”
Understatement of the year I suppose.
We sat on the soft couch and as I let him hold me against him, his hand rubbing my back in soothing circles as I narrowly avoided a panic attack, I began to tell him what I had kept as my own secret. It spilled easy, since although odd, was hard to keep to myself to begin with. How I had met Brian, Nick’s random first call. Babysitting. I sighed and turned away, Sebastian never did like when I hid stuff from him. He didn’t have a phone during all this, but he knows me well enough to know I wouldn’t have told him even if I did. Well now the world knew, and of course it was after I cut ties from that scary world Nick lived in. I couldn’t handle it. It exploded on me. Figures. Sebastian stared at me with those damn ever-changing emerald to ocean eyes of his. “I’m glad you broke ties with him. You’re too good for that world.”
“I feel bad, Nick was fun, and I just can’t handle what comes with him.”
“It’s for the best, you said he had a girlfriend, she likely saw this too. What you did helps ya both. And I’ll help ya deal, I’m here in town for awhile, and I’ll be…” he grinned, flexing his not so muscular arms. He’s not built, but not weak or flabby either. He’s a nice in between kind of looking if you know what I mean. “Your mighty bodyguard!”
I laughed softly, rubbing my still wet eyes, hugging him tight. If nothing else, I’m lucky to have him amongst all this chaos. With him, I know I can deal. Really.
I’m pretty sure I’m a dead man. Wait. Scratch that. I know I’m a dead man. What was I thinking? I saw myself at the Grove; they fucking ZOOMED into the part where I had my arms around Cally when she was cold from the water. Damn tabloid shows. That’s all it is. Out to make me look bad. Comes with the territory but there are times I hate that shit more than anything. Especially when they go for the kill with someone who didn’t sign up for it like I did. God damn them. And I have that recording session today. Fuck. Jade Eyes. If they could kill, I’d be a Nick pile of ash. I mean it. Her arms were crossed over her chest as the TV went on and on about how I may be cheating on Tracy with the odd choice of the girl who is claimed by the paparazzi to be named Calypso. How the hell did they find out her name? God dammit. My thoughts go back to Trace. They had to. Her fiery red hair was matching her face color almost. She looked kind of sexy when she was pissed actually but this ain’t the time. I know, she was waiting for me to explain. And I had a good one. I did. I could tell her the truth, because the truth is nothing happened. I changed the channel off of E! to something else finally. Then I just watched my furious girlfriend. Might be ex-girlfriend too if I’m as unlucky and cursed as I think I am. Stay tuned.
“What the fuck was that shit Nick? My god, you’re cheating on ME?! With THAT?! I know I’m better than…than…” she motioned towards the screen that was replaying it on MTV’s news clip. Great. “THAT. God Nick…I thought better of you! Maybe everyone was right about you being worthless!” her voice was shrill and a bit of a blur, cause I only had one thought. I hated how she made it seem like a nice girl like Calypso was nothing but scum.
I stood then, still naked if you remember. “Nothing happened! She’s a friend I met through Brian. She had been cold. So I hugged her. That is IT. Then the paps fucking chased us like we were trapped in a game of Grand Theft Auto! She was a friend, that’s it.”
“Doesn’t look like you’re only friends. I could see that fat bitch all over you.” I only stared at her.
“Don’t call her that! She’s not that! She’s just a friend! You don’t even fucking know her!”
“Don’t fucking yell at me!”
I felt her palm make contact with my face with a sickening smack. I stumbled back, that having caught me by complete surprise. I don’t hit women, so my hand only went to my face as I again stared at her. Her face was matching her hair exactly now, and it wasn’t sexy anymore. I couldn’t fucking believe she just smacked me. “I’m your fucking girlfriend Nick! You should be defending me! Not some random overweight whore that is being talked about all over the damn TV! You should be trying to make it up to me! Not telling me what to say!”
“You should trust me then Tracy! God damn! You saw me hug her, and nothing else! You should know how those damn stalkers are! They’re worse than some of my fucking psychotic fans! Just…take a moment and actually think!”
“I’m the one you should be concerned about!”
“Nothing happened! You’re the one I’m with dammit!”
She stood there, staring me down as I took a minute to breathe. She needed it as well. Then Tracy did something that shocked the hell out of me, more than that damn slap. She grabbed my ass, pulled me to her and I felt myself being pulled into a kiss that could make any human male see fire-freaking-works. My arms wrapped around her. She pulled away and just gazed up with me with this naughty little smirk. Can’t say I didn’t enjoy it. My life and my personal life are the same. Twisted beyond my own damn recognition. It’s what I know. “I thought about it. You thinking about anything?” She sounded so cocky, and I can’t blame her after what she just did. Damn.
“Its you I’m with babe, only you. You are the only thing on my mind right now…” My arms pulled her up against my own still naked body once more. I knew she could feel me grow against her as I nuzzled her neck just enough to give her chills. This is what I’m supposed to be with. I lightly tossed her on the bed again. Yet as I was crawling on it after her with the task of undressing my girlfriend once more, part of my mind wondered how my former friend was doing, and I couldn’t understand why.
“Cause you’re a Rock star Ba-” I backed away from the mike in the studio booth. This just was not flowing. Damn. Flames of Ice recording session. Kevin was going to murder me if I don’t nail this. “Let’s go over that again guys, what I just did was shit.”
“You okay in there Nick?” I could hear Kevin say over the speaker. Hope Brian didn’t tell him anything. Brian tends to talk too much. Damn religious man.
“Yeah Train I’m five by five.” I’ve been watching too much TV on tour busses. I got it from some vampire show. I listen for the music to filter through the headphones I wore to help me stay in tune. “Cause you’re a Rock star Baby …a rock star baby yeah” Then I couldn’t concentrate as I sang the next part. “I like the girls who wanna get it home…who wanna be at every party till the break of dawn…they gotta trip to Nirvana and to P.O.D…” and then my voice cracked. I wasn’t drunk. Wasn’t hung over. I was here mentally, supposedly, and my voice just didn’t want to work. Same with what’s left of my damn mind. I couldn’t focus enough to get myself to do what I wanted to do vocally. Dammit. Word of the day. It ain’t my ADHD either; I took my meds today thank you very much. So screw it, I was fed up. I stepped out the booth and watched the guys at the sound board. “This ain’t workin.”
Brian watched me with a raised brow but stayed quiet. Good. AJ didn’t. Typical. “Is it the song? You wrote it man.”
“It ain’t the song.”
Howie was lounging in a chair as he glanced over at me with concern. ”Family issues?”
“Heh.” Oh its Kevin again, here it comes. “Partying again?”
“No I just ain’t up to this today dog. So let’s blow this off and try again tomorrow.”
Kevin glared at me. Jade eyes staring me down again. These ones sure as hell ain’t sexy. I know he cares but sometimes it’s just too pushy when I want to run my own life. “We paid for the studio time Nick.”
“Are you sure you’re alright Frackolas?” I nodded, always count on Brian to be concerned.
Howie just stays quiet, waiting to intervene if necessary. That’s our Howie, Stealth D I tell you. AJ perks up at the idea, which I counted on. “I’m all for a day off.”
“We paid for it, we’ll use it. Not just walk out cause someone doesn‘t feel like it.”
“Watch me Kev.” I already had one battle today. Don’t need another.
“Its called being responsible.”
I shrugged. Like I gave a damn. “I’ll pay for it then. Problem solved. I’m out of here.” And I walked out the back door. This day was confusing as hell and I am in no mood to deal with it. Someone get me some vodka. Jay won’t be with me so it’s all good. I headed down the street after I got the hat out of my back pocket and tucked on my head hoping to conceal my face a bit. The sunglasses came on too. Stole em from Brian. After today’s celebrity bullshit news, I know if I’m found I’m hounded. Damn paparazzi stalkers. I heard Brian step behind me, and not for the sunglasses I borrowed from him without asking.
“Frickan leave me alone man, I just wasn’t on a musical zone. Now I’m hella hungry.”
“So let’s go eat, and see if Jay wants to come.” I heard him chuckle lightly. Brian has this weird ‘Hahehehehe’ kind of laugh. No lie. Listen to him one time if you ever get the chance. “He’s thrilled you got him a day off.”
“Time alone man.”
He kept walking beside me, both of us trying to lay low as we did. “We know that’s not the best thing. Where’s Tracy?”
“Have you talked to Calypso since you saw the TV today? I saw it and…”
“No I haven’t.”
“Maybe you should.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t. Its already causing fights between me and Trace.”
“But the poor girl never had anything like this to deal with before.”
“I feel shitty about it but-”
“You’re going to forget her.”
“She forgot me first.”
“Thought we discussed that.”
“Cally hasn’t called me either today man.”
“Maybe because she’s upset about today.”
“You’d think she’d call to at least blame me and tell me how I fucked up her life. Which I did.”
“You really believe that.”
“Why do you care so much?”
“Cause you’ve been my friend since you were a scrawny thirteen-year-old. Cally because she’s my friend, although new, that’s what friends are for. “
“I can handle my own life Bri. Sure she can handle hers.”
“You’re used to this, she isn’t.”
“I’m sure she’s fine.”
“You hope so anyway.”
“Alright, I hope so. I’m selfish okay?”
“I’ll lay off the subject but-” We both stopped as we reached our cars. I love my BMW, selfish and snobby as it is. I worked my ass off to be famous and rich, this is a benefit. Lord knows I paid a high price and I don’t mean money. He watched me, standing tall even though he’s barely 5’7”. The frustrating blond and short religious man. Now its blue eyes staring me down. Nice change from the green. “Consider my advice and check on her.”
“Why not you?”
“I don’t think she wants to hear from me first. So think about it.”
“I’m just a selfish bastard aight Bri. I ain’t calling a girl who wants to forget me.” I unlocked my door and started getting into my hot ass car. “So forget it.”
Sometimes, life throws things at you. And sometimes those things are so not what you wanted. But maybe those things help you get to something better? I’m wording this all wrong. But that night I was curled up on the couch, with my best friend at my side, his arms around me, and I felt better. My world was falling down around me, yet I had my sanctuary. My parents, thankfully, have not watched TV yet today. I turn nineteen soon, but I so don’t need to deal with them. They’ll probably see it tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I can deal? Who knows.
“Is this all we’re going to watch?” he smirked with only his jade azure eyes. Yes it’s possible.
I pouted. “I’ve had a rough day, Angel and Buffy watching makes it better. And FX is having a marathon.”
“The things I do for you.”
For now, I’ll just stick to watching Angel reruns. I could see Angel and Faith on the screen as I snuggled up to the pillow placed on Sebastian’s chest, just listening to the words.
“I’m not perfect Faith. Even with a soul, I’ve done things I’ve wished a thousand times I could take back.” Angel said that in case you’re wondering. I heard the phone ring on the table, but I didn’t want to answer. Didn’t want the questions. Didn’t want anyone knowing my Devi was back just yet. Maybe it was selfish. Okay so it was. Sometimes, selfish can be a good thing.