Crazy

So who are you?

Fuck it. It doesn’t matter. I know what you’re thinking. Screw you. It ain’t what you think. Cause you know what? I know. I know what’s going though your mind. You think I’m crazy.

Crazy.

I ain’t crazy. I don’t care what they say. I’m not. I didn’t mean for it to happen. It just did.

Crazy.

I ain’t crazy. You don’t know the full story. You need to learn it before you start tossing that word around at me. That’s what everyone does. They don’t know. You don’t know. So don’t be shaking that head at me. Like I’m crazy.

Crazy.

I ain’t crazy. It all started like normal. Nick and I. We fight a lot. It’s just what we do. I think it’s the age thing. Heh. The two youngest, the two with the most issues. It makes sense that we fight. Fight like brothers. That’s what we were. Blood or not…we were brothers. Maybe I’d been drinking again. Maybe he’d been trying to take the bottle away from me. Maybe I’d been high at the time. Who cares how the fight started? I just know we started screaming. All over a fucking bottle of JD. Yeah I got back to that. I know I said I was sober. I lied alright? He was just trying to be there for me…

Crazy.

This whole thing is crazy. I ain’t crazy. I just had to say I was. This happened in Texas. NKOTBSB tour, actually, is when all this went down. One damn tour bus for me and Nick to share. To “save money” they said. If we hadn’t shared a bus, maybe Nick would still be here. Instead of me breaking that god damned bottle of JD and shoving the remains in my hands at his throat. The look on his face will never leave my head. The glassiness in his eyes and the look of horror on his face. I almost decapitated him, with just a jagged bottle neck of JD. I’m stronger than you think. It was messy though. Blood was everywhere…

Crazy.

I ain’t crazy. Even though all those fucked up images will never leave my head. I don’t feel bad. I only feel numb. Part of me still thinks the blonde shit deserved what he got. I loved him, but he should’ve known better. He was the one who was crazy. That’s why you don’t try and tell me how I am or that I need help. I had a handle on it. He should’ve just left me the hell alone after I told him that. Instead he threw my entire stash on the floor and tried to force me to act like him. I love him, I miss him, but he earned it! It’s his fault! Nick’s fault. Not mine.

See, now do you think I’m crazy? Now that you know why I did it?

Crazy.

I ain’t crazy.

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