I Will Be

I Will Be…

I will be there. My father was never there for me, not until I was famous. Then he suddenly showed up and decided it was time to be a parent. Not because he missed me. It was just the notoriety he wanted, the money. Not the chance to know the son he left behind. My biggest regret was that for the longest time I fell for his lies. I gave him money. I opened up to him. I wanted him to be the father I never had the chance to have. And in return, I was used and abandoned once again.

I will be her parent, nothing more. I love my mother. She was always there for me. She sacrificed everything for my dreams. For awhile she became our temporary manager when we were having difficulties. But she’s also used my fame, my issues, to start a career for herself. I get that she wants to help others, but the book she wrote was about me. Not about my issues, but how I got famous more than anything else. I supported her, but a part of me hated myself for doing it. But with her, the difference was that I knew she loved me, famous or not. It’s just when she took on these roles, it was like she wasn’t my mother anymore during that time.

I will be her protector. Whatever life has to throw at you baby girl, I’ll be there to keep you from falling. I’ll be there to help you back up if you do fall. If you get hurt, I’ll be the one who’ll make that person pay. I’ll keep you safe for as long as I can. The world is this crazy, screwy, beautiful place. I can’t wait to be the one to show it to you. And when the world hits you, I’ll be the one who’ll make the pain go away.

I will be the best person I can be. I’m not going to let myself fall into old habits. Those days need to be behind me. When I was getting ready to marry Rochelle, I made sure to go into rehab again to get myself together. It’s even more important now. I cleared the house of everything to tempt me. I’m thinking about moving out of Malibu. That place is toxic for someone as screwed up as me. My daughter deserves a father who isn’t drowning in alcohol the way I have too many damn times.

I will be careful. When I think about how many ways I could screw this up, it terrifies me. What if I’m this horrible father? God do I even know how to be a good dad? It’s not like I ever had a real example. The best I can do is try to be like Kevin. Shit, he’s done nothing but look out for all four of us since the day we became a group. But even then, that was more a big brother role. Can I even do this?

I will be loving. I’ve seen what a lack of love can do. Have you seen Jane and Bob Carter? You know why Nick had so many damn issues to deal with? Why the Carters are all so self-destructive except for Angel (no idea how she escaped that shit)? Once the money came in, it killed any love that family had. I think if Nick hadn’t had us, he’d have turned out like Aaron. No offense to the mini-Nick, but he’s bitter, angry, and overreacts to everything. It’s got him all hypersensitive and it’s killed his career – the one thing he used to have. My daughter will be loved, no matter what.

I will be your guide. If my baby girl wants to perform when she’s older, I’ll be there to guide her through. I won’t let her enter the entertainment world till after she’s eighteen. I saw how it fucked me up, how it screwed with Nick’s head too. We were too young. I know that now. I won’t let her fall into the same traps that I did. The things that almost destroyed me from the inside out. Things that still haunt me to this day.

I will be…everything you need me to be. One day Ava Jaymes, when you’re older, you’ll read this, the promises I made to you before you were born. Then I can tell you how scared I was when I learned your mom was pregnant. I’ll explain everything to you and be honest about it. You deserve that. I’ll be your friend, your father, your protector, your guide. I’ll try so hard to be everything you need of me. I’m scared as hell right now. You’re in your mother’s belly right now. You’re my first. You’ll be an amazing woman one day. I love you so much already.

I will be waiting for the day you enter this world.

I will be the happiest man alive when that day comes.

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